WELLTHY Generation Podcast!

59. First-Gen Women: Cultural Health, Childhood Foods, & Burnout w/ Mariela De La Mora

• Naihomy Jerez • Episode 59

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Struggling to navigate the maze of health and wellness as a first-generation individual? Leadership and business coach Mariela de la Mora joins us to unpack the unique challenges faced by daughters of immigrants. Discover how cultural pressures can lead to burnout and disassociation, especially when confronting the scarcity mindset around food and resources. Mariela shares her powerful journey of empowering first-gen women to reclaim their voice and autonomy, offering insights into fostering a deeper connection with oneself and embracing a holistic approach to wellness.

Take a nostalgic trip back to the 90s as we dissect the powerful role marketing played in shaping our childhood food memories. From Sunny D to Lunchables, and the excitement of a McDonald's visit, we explore how these cleverly marketed products forged deep emotional ties that often persist into adulthood. Learn about the broader implications these childhood experiences have on current food choices and how breaking free from these ingrained emotional associations can be a challenge, but a necessary one for better health.

Finally, we challenge the productivity mindset that views the body as something to overcome. Many first-generation women of color find themselves in a cycle of burnout, driven by internal beliefs even when circumstances change. Tune in as we emphasize the importance of listening to your body's signals and redefining success and self-worth. From personal anecdotes to societal reflections, we explore the necessity of reevaluating self-care practices amidst cultural expectations. Let's honor ourselves and model self-care for the next generation, moving towards a life aligned with personal values and well-being.

Connect with Mariela
www.instagram.com/mariela.delamora
www.marieladelamora.com
www.linkedin.com/in/marieladelamora

Thank you so much for listening!


Speaker 2:

Hey friends, welcome back to wealthy generation podcast. As you know, that is W E L L T H Y. Today I have the absolute pleasure of having an incredible guest on, mariela de la Mora, and I'm really excited to have her on. Not only has she helped me so much, she actually coached me one time and it was really life-changing for me, and maybe we can talk a little bit about that, because that's the topic of our conversation today, where we're talking about first gen and how it affects wellness, and I'm really excited to get into it with Mariela, mariela, welcome.

Speaker 1:

Yay, hi Naomi, I'm so happy to be here and just like chat with you. So, yes, thank you so much for having me on.

Speaker 2:

Yes, please tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you? What do you do? How do you support us?

Speaker 1:

So I am a leadership coach and a business coach for primarily daughters of immigrants that's most of my clients.

Speaker 1:

Many of them are eldest daughters.

Speaker 1:

I help them to uncover their thought leadership and book out their offers with their thought leadership, attract speaking opportunities and things they couldn't have strategized for, and a lot of that really involves a lot of like understanding your unique difference, owning your story, really leaning into that difference and really being a thought leader, and a lot of the self-trust and being seen that goes along with it, which is part of what I coach on, because many of Daughters of Immigrants aren't raised or conditioned to be seen and own being different.

Speaker 1:

I'm also a single mom. My daughter is going to be eight next month, so she also is like a big inspiration behind, like my work and kind of kind of me being the person that she looks up to so that she doesn't have to like undo some of the things that I had to undo or learn the lessons that I did so late. So that's what I do and so much of it is really just about like taking back a lot of like the power that we gave away our voices, our power, our autonomy, our intuition, outsourcing it and then taking it back.

Speaker 2:

I love that, giving our power away and taking it back and that ties right into health and wellness. And you mentioned a lot that you work with first gen and I guess I'm first gen or not. I was actually born in the Dominican Republic but my mom brought me my parents brought me when I was like one.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, it's yeah and it's similar, I think, because it's kind of like you still grew up. I always think about how first gen could either be like you moved here or you were the first born here. But I think about how, like those of us who grew up very close to like our parents stories growing up in another country and like what made them immigrate, is kind of like the way that I see first gen, because we're so close to like the struggle and like a lot of the ways that they think about things you know from like a very like practical survival, you know base way of looking at things.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely. That makes a lot of sense because it does have a big impact on you.

Speaker 2:

So, let's get into how being first gen intricately ties to our health and wellness, because one of the things that we were discussing via communication and just now is how disconnected we are from ourselves when it comes to health and wellness and how it leads to things like burnout and disassociation, and I know it's such a broad topic, but I want to start building the bridge as to how that happens and how that affects us, and it's another area where we give our power away, which is so important.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I think that a big part of what I've observed, I didn't always, I wasn't always aware of this because I only was aware of my own stories, and it really wasn't until I started telling my story before I even had like a coaching offer that I think I started like reflecting it back and then I was like, oh, I see this as commonalities amongst first gen, almost regardless of where their families, like originated from because I've coached you know, um first gen from like different places.

Speaker 1:

That I think a part of what creates the disconnection in our bodies is that whenever you are coming from any kind of any sort of like not-enoughness, any sort of not-enoughness that in order to get by like you have to it's not convenient to like listen to the cues of your body, you, especially when you like to like listen to the cues of your body, you, especially when you like need to do especially some sort of like labor based job that I think that that becomes sort of normalized, that it's like any cues from the body are something to be either ignored and that it's between those cues and like you being able to make money, versus when you have the privilege and the safety to be able to like take care of yourself, and then, I think, also not having money, like not having the means.

Speaker 1:

A lot of times it's like, hey, we're just kind of eating to like not be hungry or like weird, we just don't have access to like all of these resources, we don't have information, and so I think it's kind of a blend between like not having enough resources and like it being in between you and like getting by and having enough. That I just think we don't. We aren't taught like what I I don't know if this is a real term but like body literacy of like what is your body telling you and actually like taking care of it. It's almost like eating and just functioning is just like a means to an end, you know.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, I think this is so multi-layered, like there's many pieces that start to connect this bridge. One of them is what our parents taught us. Right, how you're saying we're so connected to them, and I know that one of the main things I hear over and over again is you must this scarcity mindset around food. I know what happens around money and it also happens around food of um, you have to finish everything on your plates. You cannot waste food because other people are starving.

Speaker 2:

I know personally some of my family members did not have enough food growing up. That's part of it. Another part of it is when we talk about resources and then that not being accessible. There is this whole group of first gen people now and women who do have the resources to invest in themselves in this kind of way, but again, because of either they don't have access to the information and they don't realize that this is accessible to them and they don't see the value in investing in themselves in this way and it hasn't been taught, or they don't even know that is something that they should be doing. Yeah, they haven't seen it modeled right Like let's dig deeper wherever you want to start there, because I know and I could keep on going with examples.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, I think this is a good start. Yeah, I think that when you said about our relationship with food that it's kind of like almost the when you when you had the example of like someone not having enough, I know with my dad. He grew up in a rancho in Mexico and they didn't have enough. They there were 11 of them, like 16 were born and I think 11 of them like made it, and so it was kind of like they just sort of raised themselves. There was this idea of just like you have it so much better and like don't be picky and just like whatever we give you and like essentially like not wasting to the extent that I still I mean to this day, but I know for the longest time it was like we don't throw away anything, like we need to make sure to like finish it all and that like you're a bad person if you don't.

Speaker 1:

And I think we also ate. In a way that was very like. I think, especially when you don't have many, a lot of it was like tortillas and like making rice and beans and kind of like these heavier like foods and it wasn't necessarily the most balanced because they didn't have that like growing up. So I think we also didn't integrate. I know in my household like a lot of fruits, or like fruits and vegetables, or like diverse things, and also not paying extra money for like, say, like organic.

Speaker 1:

It was kind of like you go and you shop the cheapest way possible, how do you feed a family of five with the least amount of money and like you better eat your food? So that, I think, is like one thing that you weren't taught that like the food that goes into your body is like valuable or should be, um, you should have any sort of like discernment. So I think that was like a huge thing, because I for a long time felt like, even when I had the money, I was like yeah, but like do I want to spend like more money to like shop at like this grocery store, like this type of food that I kind of had to be like no, but I have it, but like it's okay, because the part of me that like wanted everything to be like no, but I have it, but like it's okay, cause the part of me that like wanted everything to be cheap was like still very present. I think it's all of those. It's all of those things.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think you mentioned some things that are really good here. My mom too. My mom grew up in the country, in DR, and she tells me stories of times that she would go hungry and go to bed hungry. So I think there's this disconnect now where food is so abundant and I want to say food in quotation marks, because I'm going into something else that you mentioned it's so abundant that there's no longer that necessity of you must finish everything or you won't find food the next time you're hungry. You know, versus dealing with a large family and not knowing where your next meal is going to come from.

Speaker 2:

But you mentioned that it was like tortillas or rice and frijoles. Right, that is actual, real food. And this is a lot of the disconnect that happens, because now, when we go into the idea of we don't want things to be, we don't want to be wasteful, we don't want to throw anything away, what I like to always remind at least my clients of and people of, is that now everything is not actual, real food and they have, like this panic over throwing away, let's say, a Twinkie, and it's like we don't want to be wasteful, we can't throw this out and I'm like, dude, that's that's not doing, it should go in the trash. Like, yes, you know, but you're talking about real food here.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, like with actual nutritional value. Is that kind of like real food that doesn't exist in nature and also it doesn't have like nutritional value, like your body doesn't even know how to break that down? Yeah, exactly, yeah, oh man, it makes me think of Sunny D was. So was like such a big thing when I was in the 90s and like people would buy it, almost like it was orange juice or something and it was marketed almost like, yeah, like the kids would come home and like there was like Sunny D in the fridge and like, oh, and that's another thing too Like I grew up watching TV in the nineties. So it's like a lot of the examples that you got were like big commercial, you know, like commercialized things that wasn't probably like the healthiest and that's the stuff you would ask for. Also because it was marketed to like moms, as if it was like, oh, you're just giving them their daily dose of vitamin C in this thing. That is like sugar water. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2:

That's such a great example Between Sunny D and Lunchables.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God, yeah, it doesn't go bad. That's another thing. Yeah, I would buy things a lot of the times that didn't go bad in the little pantry because it's like, oh, saving money, and like my parents had like a stockpile, like they had extra food like downstairs in this little cuartito used to call it the little cuartito like go and get the stuff. But it never crossed my mind about like oh, the stuff that like doesn't go bad. It's probably like not that good for you, but like we also would shop like that. And I never, never crossed my mind Just anything about like questioning how does food exist in nature and like how are we buying it?

Speaker 2:

You know, yeah, and you know I have a whole nother episode where I talk about how marketing and advertising targets certain communities and I do link the articles there and I'll and I'll link the episode in the show notes here because I don't remember the number off the top of my head but how these companies were creating these foods for specific markets and they were targeting it to and I know you're a marketing expert right.

Speaker 2:

They were targeting it to mothers at first as to how to save time, and then they figured that they started marketing it to children. Hence we were seeing these things in the 90s and they were pressuring moms and parents to buy it as they were saving time and all that and something else that you mentioned about food not going bad. In the nutrition certification that I was taking, one of the lecturers was like the simplest form of life is mold and in an unreal food, mold grows because it seems it has some sort of nutrition for it to thrive on and live on and grow from. So if the simplest form of life, which is mold, does not grow on a lot of these foods that are in the pantry, why should you have it? If there's nothing for mold to have, there's nothing for you to have.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh my gosh, I would have never thought about that it's like if mold would never.

Speaker 1:

You're just like, here we go, what oh uh wild right, that's gonna stick with me forever. Yeah, we look at those boxes very different now makes you want to throw. I shouldn't even want to go downstairs and throw some stuff away. No, seriously, no, it, no, it makes sense. Um, and and you're, and when you said too about how, like the companies, um, just from the marketing lens, like they learned that, um, marketing to children was like a whole different market.

Speaker 1:

Mcdonald's was one of the first companies that like, really, really like, did this well, to where they had a character, like with Ronald McDonald, and it was like advertising and it was Ronald McDonald and friends, and so like the integration of education and advertising, really. And now we see it with everything. That's why I had to take my daughter off YouTube, because they know how to make advertising entertainment and present it through characters. And then from the parents perspective, it's like on the flip side, then they're like, oh, here's the playgrounds, you could bring the kids in the playgrounds. I don't know if they still do that anymore. And then on the parent side it's like, oh well, you can go.

Speaker 1:

And like when I was a kid, there were like 29 cent hamburgers and 39 cent cheeseburgers. My family would never take us out to eat Cause we didn't have money. We didn't go on vacations and stuff like that. But the one thing we would do was my dad would bring home 39 cent McDonald's cheeseburgers on Sundays and he would bring them Cause I think they were slightly cheaper on Sundays and then like a big fries and like.

Speaker 1:

Those were a lot of the memories of like oh, we get to have this, but it's like they went there number one because they were marketing to me and they were marketing to them and it was cheap. And so it's like we also then wire ourselves to with this feel good emotion around these foods that like are very salty and like are just like horrible for you. That it's like it. I feel like it almost rewired me to like, want it Like, even as an adult. It's like I'd go out and I drink too much, for example, like that's the only time that I would want it, and then I would drink. And then it was like oh, I just like crave McDonald's and I'm just like, damn it, it just almost like was like this familiar, yes, like coping mechanism or something you know it's like.

Speaker 1:

Wednesday, but I really think about it. I was like I have childhood memories associated with like eating certain.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so a lot of the food undoing that I work with is not even. It's not even learning how to eat vegetables or like. The hardest part is the emotional connection to food, the memories, the nostalgia, the connection that you have to another human like your dad did this for you guys, and that is the hardest part to disconnect from when it's a food product that does not serve you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it was almost like an act of love back then, like a thing that we were excited to receive.

Speaker 1:

And then you're like, oh, I want to do that and like I want to bring my kid here. And it becomes like, especially when something integrates itself into your life at such a young age that you just like have memories associated with, like this brand. I really think about that and it's like they really set the model for how to market to children. And then other companies now like because there aren't commercials on TV anymore, that like people are watching live TV, Now they've integrated themselves into shows and like YouTube channels and like all these things, and that's why I had to take my daughter off of it for many, many reasons. But one of them I was like, how do you know about this? And like, why are you like asking me for these things? And it's like, no, no, no, we're not going to buy that and bring it into the house. Oh, it's in front of you because it's like integrated into, like the shows you're watching.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I've had the same situation, similar situation, with my sons. One of them is eight and I take that as an education opportunity as to why because a lot of their favorite YouTubers or whatever they're promoting things like Prime and stuff and I've showed them. They know how to read already. I've started to show them how to read these labels and why we're not making that choice, so they're educated as to why. It's not like no, no, compramos eso. We're not having that.

Speaker 1:

Like it's bad for you Right.

Speaker 1:

It's actually showing them. That's so smart. I really love that. It just made me realize, like I don't explain that to her, I'm just like, hey, I'll say like, on the simplest terms, like this has a lot of sugar and like your body doesn't need that much, and like even to the extent of like this isn't like real food, like you're asking me for this. It's like when she asked me for thakis and she wants to go and get thakis or the blue ones, and I'm just like honey, like her, her, her Tia will buy it for her. And it's like I struggle sometimes to explain like why I don't want her to like. Or she has like a couple or something and I'm like, okay, listen, like we got to throw that away, I don't want that in the house. But yeah, because I also don't want to villainize it to the point that it's like oh, it's bad, you can't have it, and they don't understand it. Then sometimes, yes, exactly.

Speaker 2:

It's like, well, my mom just wants to be mean and she doesn't. You know, sometimes my son will say that. But uh, yeah, it's so funny because I might be away for a few days and my eight-year-old he was like I said, how do you feel? And he goes yay, mommy's leaving, I'll get to have Wendy's.

Speaker 1:

I'm like okay and I'm like all right cool, because it doesn't happen often, but this is what he associates with me and and I just thought it was super fun yeah, I mean, but this is the thing is like, at least you're like you're explaining it to them, and I think sometimes there's things that kids can kind of be like, oh, like they'll like accept it begrudgingly, but, like they, in the same way that I have these like etched in memories from like my childhood, they still list, like they, it still gets absorbed in there and they're able to like appreciate it, I think with a different, a different lens. Like, as you know, they get older.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely, and that is why I think that education for us is so important, because then it becomes education for multi generations where it's not like, because I know I like to know the why Like. Well, why not? Are you just trying to be, you know, mean, or is it for a reason?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, especially if you grew up. I know a lot of growing up first gen is being told what to do, but not why. Like being told what to do and what not to do, because I said so and I think sometimes it was because our parents were just emotionally capped and like just didn't have the capacity and or they didn't know why, why. And so it became a lot more about like because I'm telling you like do this or don't do this, or like a lot of like good and bad, and like they also were misinformed as well, sometimes without absolutely realizing it, because there just wasn't like access to information.

Speaker 1:

And also, I know there's like another layer just around, um, I know that at least in in my family who's from Mexico, there was a lot of like people said this and that that became truth around what you should or shouldn't eat or certain foods, that if you mix these two foods like you'll have a heart attack. It was just all of this like made up stuff, but like it really felt real to them and I think that was a lot of like what's the community passes on, because what would happen is my parents would say this oh, you know so-and-so, like they just died one day and we don't know, and they just had a heart attack and someone will come up with a reason about why, and then that is, like a lot of the times, what gets passed on Absolutely. Now we're in an era of like no number one, like there are actually people who know more information than us, and like just even trusting that versus like what the community says, because they don't always know yeah.

Speaker 2:

So how is this? And you? You work with so many women of you know, first gen women of color that are in leadership positions. They're out here like creating change. How is this current I guess lifestyle that's tied back to the teachings that we receive from our parents who, for some reason or another, did not have this information or were misinformed. How do you see this affecting their health now?

Speaker 1:

Yes, so I think, not even just specific, to like how we eat it's like that and how we rest, how we think about our bodies and the cues from our bodies. What I find oftentimes especially because many of my clients tend to be over 30. So they've already, like been in a career for a really long time by the time they become entrepreneurs. Some of my clients are not entrepreneurs, they're still women in corporate. Is that the way that they got to where they are, the way that they got to being the anomaly, meaning one of the few women of color, or the person at their position of leadership who is questioning whether or not they want to continue on that path? It's typically because they had to self-abandon. They had to like suppress their needs, including like what their bodies was saying. And so I have worked with a lot of women who have been in burnout cycles and I say cycles because it happens literally over and over and over again. It isn't like a one-off thing, like I've had clients come to me saying I know I'm at the right before the crash. I can. I know because I've been here before and this time I want it to be different and it's. And the way that that happens is literally because they don't know another way of being.

Speaker 1:

So it's like the working really hard, the like the over delivering, the constantly thinking it's almost like they're just they can't shut off daughters or first gen is like they're also taking on like the weight of, like family things and sometimes things from their partners, and then secretly, they're just like resenting everyone and like mad at everyone. And then they're trying to over-deliver at work because they were taught that they needed to work twice as hard as everybody else to like get half as far. And so they're holding all of this and they're just like I can't, like don't take it away from me. On one hand, they're kind of like don't take it away from me because I might lose it all. People might be mad at me, I might.

Speaker 1:

It's like a scary thing. So it's kind of like they associate with this part of themselves as almost being like. It's almost like an internal bestie If you think about like inside out, where it's like no, she got me here. Like she's snapping at me, she's telling me you got to do, you got to figure this out, you got to do this. That's how they get into burnout cycles. It's like we are taught that we need to be all things for all people and that, like the way that we feel if we are tired, if we are whatever that it's like a weakness versus a thing to be explored.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely. I think that this whole rhetoric of you know you can't rest, you're being lazy, like why are you just sitting there and taking on everybody's responsibility without either setting boundaries or empowering other people really gets to you and it starts to affect your health in ways that I think get really normalized too. Because what? Yeah, yeah, you want to talk on that and even praised.

Speaker 1:

Yes. So I think that being tired and being busy is like a thing that you say out loud. I know my mom will still say this and it's just like she'll say it with pride. She's retired now and she doesn't know how to like rest and like I love my mom.

Speaker 1:

But I was like I actually was concerned, because it becomes a thing that, like you'll say it out loud, you're like I, like I they'll, they'll say this I spent four and a half hours cleaning the house and like oh, and like the kids are this, and it was just very like self-sacrificial, of like how clean your house is, like cooking all the meals Well, because you don't have money to like go and eat out and things like that. So it's like they they're also just like I'm doing everything and it it becomes a thing of like how good of a mother are you, how good of a partner are you, how good of a daughter are you? Because you've been there and you've been all the things to all people. So like being tired actually is like a sign of worthiness, and they're not saying it in these words, but I think that is almost like oh, I've been so busy and I'm so tired. Therefore I've been productive, therefore I'm worthy because I have done a lot for others.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and so that's where the separation like a big part of like, where separation comes in even to the extent of like mothers like feeding their kids, like first, and sometimes they're like hey, like sit down and like fix your plate, and it's like just like the self-sacrificial you know as a sign of goodness yeah, that they're not sitting down, or they're just eating the kids leftovers on the plate, or like they're picando, you know here, like little things over here, little things over there, and I do think that that's a sign of praise, or that you're doing a good job of being extremely exhausted and even sick, being so sick and you continue to push through until your body just wipes you out, because I think that something that we assume, and as specifically more in our generation too, is that your body is this unlimited resource and it'll just keep being there for you.

Speaker 2:

And that's just not true. Like your body, sole responsibility, if we think about it, is to keep you alive. So it will do whatever it takes, even if it is not to your, to your health, like it will self-sacrifice, self eat itself, like it will self deprecate in order to keep you alive one more day. And then there comes this time where it will completely knock you off your feet, and then you have to rethink your life.

Speaker 1:

So that's what I see in burnout cycles.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and that's so dangerous and it's so it's like, oh, I went through and they praise it and it's. And you tell yourself like you're doing a good job. And I know I was in that cycle too and I was like if I'm not exhausted, then I'm not doing a good job. Yeah Right, if I'm not getting sick, then why am I not working hard enough?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, it's like it recalibrates your like. For me, how safe I felt to have space. It was like this. It was like this anxiety around having space, like I'm missing something, I should be doing something, like something wrong. I feel like I kept waiting for someone to come in and be like, why are you just sitting there? Because a lot of what I was raised with was like, if I have a book open and it looks like I'm doing homework, or if I have a computer open and it looks like I'm working, that's fine, but if you're not doing that, why are you just sitting there?

Speaker 1:

And so that becomes like this internal dialogue where, like, we will find more to do, even if nobody is asking us to do it, which is where I've seen the pattern of burnout that my clients will come to me with and that I, to be honest, I'm like currently and now is not so much that, like the asks were given to you saying, hey, it partially it's that it's like hey, can you do this, can you do this, can you do this? It's also well, I need to also do all these things because you will create. If there's space, you'll, you'll fill it with something because of how uncomfortable you feel that the space is there, so it's going to be the self-fulfilling thing, no matter how much you get done. So the more you get done and you create the space, then you're going to fill the space, and then that's how the burnout will happen, unless you become aware of your own relationship with getting things done and like literally not even knowing what is your body telling you.

Speaker 1:

I've had to learn that recently. I didn't, I could not tell you until recently what is like. Am I tired? I used to think I only needed six hours of sleep a night Like that. That was my personality until like a couple of years ago.

Speaker 2:

That's what you learn until like a couple of years ago.

Speaker 1:

That's how you learn. So, until here's the thing, I'm 43, I'm going to be 44 in January, so you could live a really long time with this. I achieved a lot with this. I made a lot of money in my business with this and I think I thought that I was solving it because I was like oh yeah, I coach women on this all the time. I totally, I totally get it Like I did.

Speaker 1:

I was in burnout cycles in corporate, but I think I realized like those were just enough of the bandaid at the time for me to keep going, cause I don't know that we, for the very first time you become aware that you're in a burnout cycle, you go this deep. I think that it just happened enough times that I was like wait, wait, wait, wait. How is it happening now that I'm actually working less? This is let's it. Let's sit with this for a minute. Um, so really, what it was is I think that I associated things as being my personality, which was just like I'm always on, I don't even need a lot of sleep, I could get so much done. Like I'm a single mom and all of this, like I'm so proud I can do it all. I'm a single mom, I have a business, I have all these things and I was just going going, going that.

Speaker 1:

Then I started slowing the business down and then I was like, oh well, let me just do this and like see if it feels any different. But I still showed up hard to everything, like thinking, planning, worrying, and I was like, oh no, I brought me with me no matter what the business looked like, no matter what the goals looked like. I had to recalibrate my relationship with space and now I'm like sleeping more. My body will tell me things like we want to be outside and we want sun on our face and we want to walk. Oh, I, you know, I feel thirsty. It's weird's weird. Like I don't even think that I felt thirsty for like a long time.

Speaker 1:

It's with that basic where I was like, oh my gosh, have you been in here the whole time? It's so. That's where I'm at now, where it's like your body will actually give you cues that you didn't realize were there because you were so focused on like. I'm a busy person, I'm a productive person, I'm an extrovert, I don't need a lot of sleep. Like I can handle it all. That's, that's what happened, but it took, it can take as it could take, as long as it takes, and hopefully your body will allow you to get there. Yeah, so that you can be like. I changed my circumstance and I changed all these circumstances, yet the cycle is still present. Why?

Speaker 1:

So, that's what I had to sit with was okay, I solved all. I thought I was solving all these circumstances, but I brought me with me where did I learn this? And the it's not safe to rest kind of internal thing followed me for the whole time. I've had my business, so now that's. That's. That's the part we all eventually have to sit with when it comes to like how we regard our body as like a thing to overcome so that we can get more out of it.

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh, that last part I've heard it so many times where it's like, if my body will just let me do this, if I could just do that, if I could push, and it goes back to the cycle of we don't even realize why or how. Actually, when we do rest and when we do meet our basic needs, and when we understand how to meet them, we are actually more productive on the other side.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and.

Speaker 2:

I've also had to struggle, like have struggled with this and have struggled with the slowness and being uncomfortable in those moments.

Speaker 2:

And you know I'm better at catching them now, but something I've always been. I think that because I've just changed the way I've, it's been more spread apart and it has been harder for me to catch. I think it's what's happening. But whenever somebody's like what's the first thing that I should be doing, like what's the first thing if I want to get to wellness and it's not the obvious like I don't give the obvious answer is not to eat more vegetables, is not to drink more water, is not to eat more vegetables, is not to drink more water.

Speaker 2:

Like the first thing I tell people to do is notice how you're feeling every moment of the day. Notice how you feel when you wake up. Notice how you feel after you eat. Notice how you feel after you take a shower. Like notice how you feel after you exercise, because your body is always giving you information, whether you listen to it or not. And because of this, this association, because we just keep pushing through, because we just move on to the next thing, regardless of how we're feeling or what we need, then it's really hard to understand how to give back to yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. And do you think what this made me think about was um, I know I've been in this pattern and I've seen this pattern too of like we do think we're meeting our body's needs, but it's like in reverse. So it's kind of like when you feel, for example, it's like you feel really tired in the afternoon and then you're like, oh well, and I need like coffee or sugar or whatever, and it's like, oh, I need, and I wake up tired even though I've slept, so like I must need this. But we're not actually looking at like why and I think that's normalized too I've just like you, you treat the symptom of it rather than like going and being like, well, why is it that I feel like this? Is this just my personality? Am I just not a morning person? Am I just like a night owl? Am I just a person who doesn't need sleep? Like we almost will just accept things, that that's just the way that it is.

Speaker 2:

Yeah it, yes. So going back to normalizing and, just course, correcting. First of all, the. The medical system here is all about that bandaid. Like your stomach hurts, here's some gas effects. Like you need, here's this, like there's always a pill for something. But what I've realized is that the our capacity for feeling unwell in our own bodies is so large that we don't even understand what it feels like to feel good in our bodies anymore.

Speaker 2:

And it's not until we start to work on that. Not knowing because exactly what you said, where I just used to I'm tired, I'll have a coffee. I didn't sleep well, I'll take whatever. You know. Whatever it is, I'll drink something, I'll take something, I'll take a nap, whatever it is. So it's always retroactively instead of proactively.

Speaker 2:

So, it's not until we start to solve for that root cause. We don't even know that's what we're doing, because our capacity to feel well is so large. And then there's this one night that we don't sleep well, or we drink a little extra caffeine or have too much sugar, and you're like, oh crap, I feel like shit in my body right now.

Speaker 2:

Like is that is that what has been going on this whole time, and it's like, oh crap, I feel like shit in my body right now, like, is that, is that what has been going on this whole time?

Speaker 1:

And it's like you feel just good enough to ask that's really what it is. It's almost like, oh, I'm up here with my capacity and I feel like crap. And then it's like, oh, let me create, like you know, 30% space. And then you're like let's fill the space like immediately, so like, of course, you're always going to feel like that. I know that that's a lot of the times, like when I look back at my healing journey, it kind of was that from that perspective and generally what I was filling that little gap with was like a launch. You know what I mean. And I think a lot of the times we think we're actually dealing with our stuff but we're like this is almost like self care or like whatever. But it's like to create space, to like ask yourself to do more and then afterwards you crash and people think that, yeah, to have consistency in the way that they feel and let's really do normalize that, like I know I did and it wasn't until I think, like this year really really feels different for me. But I think because and like you said this earlier about like your body's always talking to you and we're not like listening that I think this year I think like, well, what else was it supposed to do? What else was it supposed to do If I, if my pattern is like I'm in survival mode, I know how to make money when I'm in survival mode, oh, I know how to be productive. But to shut down, like my creative side, like my brain, my decision-making, like it had to shut down that, to be like we're not going to let you do any of that. But then I thought, oh, my gosh, what if something happened to me and like my daughter only has me, like yeah, granted, my parents are in the city, but like it scared me. I think this year, the last few months to be honest, this is only the last couple of months Did I see like the condition for like my brain and like what burnout really was. I didn't even know that it was really burnout. I was just like, oh well, I get exhausted and like it's just fine, like this is just how it is. Then I was like, but what if I wasn't okay? What if I couldn't work? What would happen to her that? I was like you have to treat these symptoms like it is a physical injury, like I had to just justify it in my brain to say what if burnout and this pattern. I've overcome it before, in quotation marks, but then I've just filled it with more stuff. What if it was a physical injury? Would I get up on a like a sprained ankle and then, like, go try to run a race? So that's, that's been such a change, like a change for me of just like this is not a joke.

Speaker 1:

I need to really reevaluate my relationship with my accomplishments me making money yes, it's a means to an end, but also the space in between and the space that I'm in when I make decisions, rather than it being this frantic, like, oh my gosh, I got to get it all together.

Speaker 1:

It's just like, no, I'm going to just sit here in this discomfort and it takes privilege right, because I got to get it all together. It's just like no, like I'm going to just sit here in this discomfort and it takes privilege Right, because if I was, you know my parents living paycheck to paycheck, they couldn't do that. But that's what it took was really being like you're, my body's trying to help me and I'm not giving. I'm not treating it like the thing that's keeping me alive. I'm not treating it like I'm the mother to my daughter and like I'm the only parent she has. Like I'm not treating it like, yes, if all these things are dependent on me, then who else? Okay, then if it's dependent on me, then how am I treating myself and how am I feeding myself and how am I resting, and all the things? So, yeah, it was. This year was a big wake up like year for me, I think, in terms of all of that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I love that. I love that Like you're here now, because taking care of your body is not just for you but everybody like. I always say, that's the biggest act of self-love to love yourself and to take care of yourself, because everybody around you who loves you suffers when they see you unwell and when you're you can't show up like the person who you want to be for those around you and that's a really, really, really big deal, and I think that, especially in our generation, we're doing such a great job at building generational wealth and getting all of these degrees and getting all these fancy jobs.

Speaker 2:

But what's not leveling up at the same rate as everything else is how we take care of ourselves, and we still have so many limiting beliefs as to how to take care of ourselves, because something that we were discussing is that taking good care of ourselves is not just sleeping an extra two hours or like lighting a candle and taking a bath. It's not that, and it's something that we need to continue to teach. So, if we want to elevate our money, we want to elevate our wealth, we want to elevate our careers and where we're living and what we're driving. On all of this, think about how are you going to be able to enjoy it or not enjoy it, because you're going to be completely at the point of burnout where you cannot turn back. Think like we need to think about those things, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Or developing like something with your health, because I know those things are just like unanswered signs from the body and like I don't want that to happen, you know. So it's like we don't want to get to the point that, like we get scared that something's going to happen Sometimes that's. What happens, though, is like you realize that you can't just keep doing that in the same way, that, like if you were putting dirty gasoline in your car and then like letting it run out of gas and then having somebody has to jump it and like all of this stuff, and you never change the oil. Like I always have to give myself practical examples, because my logical brain is so strong that I was like, yeah, you wouldn't, like your car wouldn't be running if you didn't change the oil and you didn't change the air.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know what I mean? Like so, but yet, but yet my personality is that I have to sleep six hours and that I you know what I mean. Like what?

Speaker 2:

No, this is not true, I actually broke my car putting the wrong gas inside, and that's exactly what happens to us. We break our bodies putting the wrong food inside, and it was the funniest example ever. Yeah, yeah, the car was in the shop for the whole week and they couldn't find what was wrong with it and they were like, oh, all of these I have no idea about cars so I don't know what the pieces were, but all of these things are super dirty with the kind of gas you were putting in.

Speaker 1:

And I was like, oops yeah, and it's just like yeah, why? But yet the most important, you know, like machine, obviously we're more than machines, but we treat it like a machine and we're like I just got to get it to do more stuff and even the machine.

Speaker 2:

You have to charge it, you have to give it upgrades, you have to give it maintenance, and I still it's beyond me how we just treat our bodies Like they're not deserving and and I think it still goes back to this whole idea of, especially for women like you don't deserve to take care of yourself. That is you need to earn that. Yeah, everything else needs to be done first. Who are you going to the gym? Gone when I got Susie.

Speaker 2:

I write like who are you who said that you can go do that? Who said that you can sit and eat a meal when you know like it's? It's a lot of that too.

Speaker 1:

oh yeah, it so is. It's like you better not go to sleep if, like you didn't, the stuff's not picked up and like you can't lay in bed, like you know, even if your kids are older, like I just remember feeling super guilty that I was even doing that and I, um I, what came to mind was like something that, um Udi, who was my somatic coach I feel like I talk about her all the time because this was a lot of how I, like learned to reconnect with myself was what would it look like if you just believed your body? Because I always was looking for reasons to be like but is it really this or it's just because of this? And I needed, like an explanation. And she's like what if you just tried it on? What if you just believed your body?

Speaker 1:

If you felt like going to sleep but you slept a lot the night before, if you actually didn't want to go to the gym but you wanted to walk outside because that's what your body craved? Like what if you just believed your body? And I was like okay, I wanted to say that out loud because I just think that that was something that I was like why it's so hard for me to believe my body because I was like taught my body was lazy, or like my body said you know what I mean when in reality it's like no, your body's always telling you what it desires, what it's missing, what it craves, what it needs to reach equilibrium again. All those things we just absolutely condition that way.

Speaker 2:

So how do we start getting more women on this path Like what, what? Please help me, because I. I'd be trying.

Speaker 1:

You, you or you're helping so many people on this path. I think I think what I, from my world, a lot of um of what I anchor back into, is like validating that every kind of every experience you have makes sense If the way that what your body is telling you, like all the different things want to like leave lead with to say, like, if you are in this place of I don't know, almost feeling like you're in a cycle that you're able to do something, and then you feel like you're exhausted, or you self-sabotage like a lot of people will use that term is that your body wants to be on board, like it wants to be, but it needs to feel safe and like supported to do that, whether you're asking yourself to be more visible and do a scary thing because a lot of what I teach my clients is that is like, what do you actually need in order to increase your capacity? But not, but not from the perspective where you are feeling like you're kind of having to like overcome. You know who you are and like your natural tendencies. So I actually just think that, like your relationship with yourself is going to make whatever it is that you are desiring so much easier.

Speaker 1:

Your relationship with yourself, on how you speak to yourself, your relationship with yourself in terms of how you treat yourself and your body. That is the most important relationship that you will have and you will bring it to everything you will ever do, whether it's a new job or a bigger business or a whatever. Just like it did with me, your relationship with yourself is going to follow you. So, like what would it look like to treat yourself, your mind, your body, like something in someone you love deeply? Yeah, and that so much of what it is that we're trying to do in spite of ourselves really just comes down to that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I love that. And then I want to know your take on this, though, because this is one of the hardest things of being the I think you said the first one to to like do something different.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, one of the hardest things.

Speaker 2:

When you're on your own, like, and like you're doing things for yourself or you're living on your own or something like that, it's a little, a little easier to stick to those things. But when you show up in front of other family members or loved ones and you are the person who's changing these things, and now you start to set boundaries, now you start to veer off of what you know cultural expectations, societal expectations and you start to honor yourself in this way that you just said. How do you handle those situations when everybody has something, yeah, where everybody has something to say, when everybody has something, yeah, where everybody has something to say.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh man, and I feel like we're getting into that time of year too, so we're recording it. You and I are recording this, like right before Thanksgiving. I always really just come back to like it's. I don't think that I realized this at the time, but now I realize, like, people project all the time, so when you're doing something that somebody else was taught you can't do it. So whether that is saying no, or it's a family gathering, and you're like no, I'm just going to leave. Or like, hey, I'm only going to show up for like a few hours. Or like, hey, I'm going to do this. Or no, I'm not going to. Like make that phone call for you, I'm not going to answer.

Speaker 1:

You know all those things that sometimes, when we are being who others were told they couldn't be, it can be very triggering, including, like, for our own parents.

Speaker 1:

Like I know I've probably triggered my mom a lot of the times, because it's like you don't get to do that Same thing with, like being a mom and like me going and doing stuff with my friends and like things like that. It's even little things like that that who we're being could be activating to others who were taught that they couldn't be. They had to be self-sacrificial in order to be good. So I think that just recognizing that like people can project onto you, but that doesn't necessarily have to mean that your reality is wrong and that it makes sense that it's not going to be understood by all, like it would be shocking if it were, but that this is part of the work and that modeling love and care in a different way, versus the love and care is only directed at others. It's like, no, it's actually directed at us. And if you have kids, only directed at others? It's like, no, it's actually directed at us. And if you have kids.

Speaker 2:

I do. I know that she is watching me more than she is listening to what I say or what I tell her to do. Absolutely, I think that's so good the projection piece and like the, not understanding. That's absolutely right. And something I'd like to remind my clients of is that because something that also happens is you start to realize the disconnect and the disconnect of information and how, with simple actions, you get to feel better in your body and all that and they want to share this, and sometimes people are also not ready to do that are also not ready to do that they're not ready, so but you can still honor yourself even if others do not understand, and that is one of also the biggest acts of self-love is just being who you are for yourself.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, eventually people will come around or they'll notice, or things like that, because imagine how hard it is for us to start to undo everything that we've been taught or we've been seen, so it's even harder.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love what you said being who you are for yourself, and that is so important. It's like versus I need to do this, but I also have to explain it and it also needs to be co-signed. And it's like no need to do this, but I also have to explain it and it also needs to be co-signed. And it's like no, that's probably going to be, and also it's our example is so powerful that even those like in our family that may not understand, may later it may take. That's not the reason to sit around and hope for that, but the most important thing you can do is just be that person. Hope for that, but the most important thing you can do is just be that person and then that in itself can show them like, oh, I obviously like people love you, like want the best thing for you, but it may just take you just being that person, regardless of whether it's understood or not.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely yeah. What piece of advice would you give first gen? You know women of color who's just on these cycles in and out of burnout. They are struggling but they don't want to show it or share it because it's vulnerable. They might think it's weak or lazy and knowing where that leads to like, what kind of permission can we give to start exploring a different avenue?

Speaker 1:

Such a good question Because we know that it really runs deep. I think that, or I think the first thing that comes to mind is like if you, if you, were to stay on the current path that you were in, where do you see this going and how does it make you feel to think about the life that you want? How do you see this unfolding? And if you don't, if the idea of that makes your heart sink, if the idea of that makes you scared to want the things that you want, if the idea of that feels so misaligned from how you want to feel, like I that's what I would say is like how do you want to feel in your life, not just what you want to do? And if you feel like where you're at now does not feel like that, then what would it look like for you to see the cues from your body as your best ally, the cues from your body as your best ally, and for you to treat yourself like someone you love just a little bit more today, even if that means checking in with your body and saying do I want caffeine or am I thirsty? Oh, I noticed that I'm tired and I'm like yawning. Oh, that's interesting Just to treat yourself with the littlest, littlest things 5% more today.

Speaker 1:

Treat yourself like someone you love. And if that's hard to do, imagine someone you do love that is a guest in your house and then say would I do this or say this to them Because we're so externally focused? And just try it for a day, try it for a week to say am I treating myself and my body like someone I love? The littlest things will start to rewire your relationship with yourself. What you think you're deserving of, and your body starts to trust you that, like you are listening to it. So I think that use that modeling of like doing for others and saying would I ask someone to do this or would I say this to them? And just direct it to yourself a little bit more and start to see what happens.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I love that, mariela. Thank you so much for being on and having this conversation with us.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2:

How can we support you? How can we people reach you, work with you if they're interested and follow your content? Her content is amazing.

Speaker 1:

By the way, so you should follow her.

Speaker 2:

I'm just saying, and your information will be in the show notes, but please share.

Speaker 1:

Yes, absolutely. So you can hang out with me on my podcast, cycle Breakers and Moneymakers. So I talk a lot about thought leadership, the first gen perspective, entrepreneurship, a little bit of parenting, and also on Instagram at Mariella Delamora, I talk a lot about all those same things. They're more kind of behind the scenes, personal things of life and, yeah, I work with clients one-on-one at all stages of business, including women in corporate, and I also have a mastermind called Reclamation that opens in February. So but I'd love to hear from anyone who's like hey, this part like really stood out to me. I always love hearing what stories really land with people.

Speaker 2:

Yes, please listen, share, tag us both, screenshot, share with your friends. I am sure that there were a lot of eye-opening thoughts and ideas here. I hope you really feel seen and validated and please share that with us. Thank you so much for joining Mariela and I hope to see everybody next week. Bye.