63. Conception, Pregnancy, Childbirth & Postpartum: A Conversation with Nadila [Client]

This episode dives into the powerful narratives surrounding pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum experiences, specifically focusing on the challenges and realities faced by women of color. The hosts discuss the urgent need for honest conversations, representation, and community in maternal health to support healing and self-acceptance during this transformative life stage.

• Exploring the significance of sharing pregnancy stories
• Maternal health disparities for women of color
• Importance of building a support team during pregnancy
• Personal insights on navigating labor and C-sections
• Challenges and healing in postpartum experiences
• Acknowledging the role of partners in motherhood
• Emphasizing the need for self-care and community support

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Thank you so much for listening!

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Chapters

• 1:16 Pregnancy and Postpartum Experiences
• 14:34 Navigating Pregnancy and Postpartum Realities
• 24:32 Embracing Pregnancy Without Pressure
• 31:14 Trusting the Process of Motherhood
• 36:18 Navigating Labor and Delivery Decisions
• 47:08 Navigating C-Section Recovery and Boundaries
• 59:26 Navigating Support and Self-Love in Motherhood
• 1:07:24 The Importance of Self-Kindness in Motherhood

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:16

Hey friends, welcome back to Wealthy Generation Podcast Again. That is W-E-L-L-T-H-Y. Today I have one of your favorites here. She reached the top podcast top five podcasts of Wealthy Generation in 2024. I think she's been your favorite guest, the wonderful Nadila. Welcome, nadila.

Speaker 2: 1:43

Hey Naomi, hey everyone listening so excited to be back and here talking a little bit about pregnancy, postpartum, all of the things In our last podcast episode I had shared with you, but not publicly. I was pregnant right before the podcast episode and you had a freak out moment. Like you were so excited. And now that I'm on the other side of it, we thought it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 2:16

So I'm happy to be here. Yeah, nadeela is a former client, probably going to soon be a current client again, and we're also friends. We went to college together, so lots of layered beautiful relationship parts here and she approached me about wanting to talk about pregnancy, specifically women of color experiences, and because her experience is so new and I'll let her share more about that, she really wanted to talk about it from a space of she's currently living through, and I'll be sharing a little bit about my experiences too. However, the last time I gave birth was eight and a half years ago. So a little bit of a different perspective with some similarities. So a little bit of a different perspective with some similarities. So, nadila, please share with us. Why did you think it's so important for us to have this conversation today?

Speaker 2: 3:06

Yeah, I've spent the last. You know people think pregnancy is nine months. By the way, it's not, it's 40 weeks. That's 10 months, right? I made it to 39 weeks with my baby 10 months, right. I made it to 39 weeks with my baby.

Speaker 2: 3:25

And one of the things I did to prep for my pregnancy, my birth, my labor, my delivery, postpartum was I listened to podcast episodes on people's birth stories, on their experiences. I just wanted to know more about what's going to happen. And as I'm listening to all these episodes, I don't hear people from my identity group, from my experience, and let me caveat and say everyone has a different experience. Not every experience is the same, but I just didn't hear from women of color. And in this country, what we do know is that there are higher rates of maternal death rates and maternal health issues specifically for Black women and also, you know, black women first and also women of color, and it's just something that's not talked about enough and people don't share their stories. And the healing process in our community, as a woman of color is there is none. You know, it's hard to find and it's hard to create space for healing because we're so, we're on the hustle, we're trying to survive. We're trying to be who we need to be and I think, for women of color, moms, we're trying to also make sure that our priority is our child, our family. Usually, most of the times, the priority is not the mom we were just talking about this before we started is, you know, how do I learn how to prioritize myself? Because if I don't prioritize myself and take care of me, I can't take care of my child. And so I'm here today to talk a little bit about my experience with what happened during my pregnancy, but also what's happening now in postpartum. It's so real, it's so raw. I'm five weeks and six days out from my delivery. I'm going to be six weeks tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 5:08

Usually in the U S, a lot of women go back to work within the six weeks. I don't know how they're doing it, because let me just say TMI, I'm still wearing pads. Yeah, this was well underwear. Um, I thought I didn't need it, need it in the last few weeks, but then I started bleeding again. So these and I I know women go back to work and I was telling my husband, like how do people go back to work when this is happening? So I think this this comes at a timely point because of what's going on, you know, politically what's going on for women and what's also going on for family leave, and there's there's more opportunities coming out for women of color. There's birth fund, which I think is a great opportunity for people to look into. There are different things coming now for women of color, but only because we've advocated and created for the created spaces for that. So I'm happy to share my story. It's just my own story, it's my one experience, but if it helps someone else, that's what I would like.

Speaker 1: 6:06

Yeah, that's beautiful and something you mentioned. It's like we don't have a healing I don't think you use this word, but kind of protocol here for women of color and what happens, and I think that a lot of the ancestral ways of healing after birth has been lost just because of how far apart from community we've become in the United States and how capitalistic everything is. You mentioned people or women going back to work six weeks after they gave birth, and it's not something that I did, but I've heard of, at least in the Dominican Republic, where women would honor 40 days of being at home or something to that regard, where they would be at home and there would be people there helping the mom, helping the baby, helping the family, so they've had the time to heal, they had the community to heal, but that does not happen here. Everybody has somewhere to be. Something to do is not as accessible.

Speaker 1: 7:10

Sometimes people live far away from family and you just have to like, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just keep going. You just have to like, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just keep going and oftentimes, like you said, it is neglecting our own healing and our own nurturing ourselves back to health after having such a traumatic experience as giving birth and be so completely depleted hormones all over the place, hormones all over the place. So it's just something that I think has not translated from a lot of ancestral, you know, cultures. That was a part before, but it just doesn't translate to here, as with a lot of things in wellness. But just wanted to throw that in there.

Speaker 2: 7:55

One thing you just said was you just got to get through it right, like we. Actually, I covered that with my doula. Um, by the way, the number one thing I think I did really well with my pregnancy was create a team, like if, and let me tell you, creating a team does mean putting your financial ability to create the team that you want. Who is the team that's going to support you? I talked to a lot of my friends, including yourself and including you, and I had a conversation about this. Who did you? Who are the people that you have for your birth, for the pre-pregnancy part, the prenatal part, the postpartum part and I spent more, a lot of time creating a team because I felt like I needed the support when I was in the pregnancy, but now, when I'm postpartum, I'm like, okay, I need to recreate that team because my situation with delivery changed and it wasn't. It was on, it was not something I anticipated, and so what I bring up here is like one of the things I learned from my doula is we did this activity about preparing for birth, and she had us listen to the story, and it's really about like a labyrinth, like how do you get out? There's only one way in, one way out and there's so many different possibilities and there's so many things that might change. How do you make sure you have the strength to continue through? And that was the best part of working with my doula is not that I learned things about the science of birth, the pregnancy of birth, what happens after or what happens during delivery. I think my favorite thing about hiring a doula which was part of like part of my team was doing a lot of internal work, like the emotional work I had told my husband I feel like working with a doula was like therapy, but for birth with your partner, and we were so much more well prepared for the birth situation because we hired that person. And if there's one piece of advice I had is think about where you have some flexibility with your finances, with your insurance, maybe with your job, on how you can get the help that you need to prepare for your birth.

Speaker 2: 10:15

Now, doula is not for everyone. There's also midwives that you can. You can see I didn't have a midwife, but I think having a doula made me feel more educated and less anxiety when I went in for my delivery and also like I felt held. So if anyone's in the DMV area, I would recommend her. She's amazing. She was also, by the way, my doula was also my prenatal yoga and Pilates teacher, so she really knew me and I just had so much trust in her because I didn't know what I didn't know, and that's what we talk about in doula education.

Speaker 2: 10:52

The other thing I want to mention is something that I learned through this process is I thought I needed to hire an all women of color team. I just want to also say, like, as someone who works in DEI, I really believe in representation, but representation only gets you so far. What I mean by that is when I was putting my team together, I was only researching women of color. I was only researching women of color practices, and what I realized was I talked to a girlfriend of mine and she was like, sometimes you got to go and talk to folks who identify as white in wealthier neighborhoods, wealthier areas, so that you can get better services. There's more, we're more resources, and I didn't think about it that way and I was like, okay, interesting, she's telling me that she just had her second baby.

Speaker 2: 11:41

So she told me that she delivered at a, at a hospital in, like, a more wealthier neighborhood. She had a white doctor, she had all white nurses. She's a woman of color and she was, like I felt, held because I had that. Like, representation is really interesting because sometimes you could have a good experience. Sometimes you may not right. What was surprising for me was I ended up hiring a doula who's not a woman of color and who was so inclusive and welcoming and understood what I needed, that I learned that I shouldn't always think about representation all the time. I might be limiting myself. What I learned through the process was hire the person who's going to hear me and validate me and teach me the things I don't know.

Speaker 1: 12:29

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 12:31

And it was just like a surprising thing, because I don't do that.

Speaker 1: 12:35

Yeah, that's a really good lesson and just something for all of us to hear, because I know that in recent times, different the resources might be different. I do it now with certain areas of my life where I know that the resources look different in those areas and we have to be a part of that. But I think that that goes the part where you said someone who's gonna listen to you and probably validate you and help you through and teach you what you don't know. I think it goes for any human right. I think people of color can also not show up for us in that way or at that capacity. So I think that everybody should be, I guess, taken up as an individual and see if you're a right fit, whether it's a person of color or not.

Speaker 2: 13:43

So that was really exactly, exactly like maybe take, maybe think about the biases you hold when you're yeah that's too you know when you're going into it.

Speaker 2: 13:52

I had to check myself and I you know it was really hard for me. Um other people I had in my corner for pregnancy for my team, obviously you I hired a pelvic floor therapist. Amazing, love her. She like really prepped me as much as I can, held space for me. I called her from the the, I called her from the postpartum wing. When I, when they moved me in the hospital, like the next day when I was like processing my birth, I was crying on the phone with her. I was like, oh my gosh, these things happened Cause she's so important to me now. And I also worked with a mental health therapist. I went to a ton of workout classes just to take care of my body.

Speaker 2: 14:34

And one thing that came up in doula work wasn't my husband had brought up that he didn't want me to feel disappointed if my birth, or our birth, because it's both of ours didn't go the way we wanted it to be. And he said but you prepped a lot for the birth and the delivery. So imagine if I didn't prep, what would recovery be like. So imagine if I didn't prep what would recovery be like. And he really wanted, he was pushing me to think about how I prepped so much that I shouldn't be disappointed at the end, regardless of what happens, and it made me think about you know, thinking about it Like I had.

Speaker 2: 15:12

I went in for a vaginal delivery. Everything was going well, up until the end where my baby's heart rate was descending. It was fluctuating a lot. I didn't really know all the details and last minute they're like you have to do an emergency C-section, we're going to move you, and it was my husband and I talked about it briefly in the delivery room like five, like less, probably two minutes. Like are we going to do this? We said we were going to do this.

Speaker 2: 15:39

It was part of our birth plan to be flexible. And I bring this up because 10 days out of my delivery I had gotten out of bed and I'm like I want to go for a walk today for my mental health. I want to like leave house and lots of people don't do that with a C-section. You know you're not. You're told to like be in bed. There's this 555 rule like be in bed for five days, be around bed, be, you know, in the vicinity of your bed. I was trying to follow the 555 rule but at one point I was like I'm like kind of losing it now so 10 days out, I was like, let's just go up and down the block and see.

Speaker 2: 16:17

And my doula encouraged me to do this. Um, and she knew my body and at the end of that walk it was very short, it was like up and down the block, that's it my husband said you know, this is what we prepared for and you wouldn't be here if you didn't do all that prep. And I have to think about that in context, because at that point, 10 days out, I was feeling so bad that I had the C-section. I wasn't feeling great, I just like I had. I didn't remember to empower myself that my body is amazing. At 10 days out, I was feeling like shit. And now, five weeks out, I'm like, wow, my body just did something incredible and I really need to love it.

Speaker 1: 17:01

And I don't think I think I lost sight in that in the first few weeks of my postpartum feelings that show up after birth is are valid, whether that's love for your body, whether that's sadness, disappointment, like whatever shows up, I feel like every single one of the feelings deserves a place because it's it's it's such a huge experience and, yes, you can plan and, yes, you can wish and hope and at the end of the day, it turns out however it turns out and we are allowed to process every single one of those moments of love, of disappointment, of whatever it is that comes, whatever it is that comes Now, letting them pass, is another thing, and knowing what you want to focus on, right, knowing the areas that you want to focus on, is different. But in the process of so much happening in such a short amount of time, I think they're valid, right, I think they're valid, right, absolutely, I just like they are so valid.

Speaker 2: 18:22

I had no. I was in a daze. I was on the phone with my sister and I was like, hey, it was Christmas Eve, by the way. I was on the phone with my sister and I'm like so when are you going to pick up the kids from school? She's like what are you talking about? It's Christmas Eve. I was in such a daze for the last few weeks. I didn't even know that it was the holidays. I had given my husband all the Christmas presents that we bought and I was like here, wrap them. I was like wrap your own gifts too. I don't know what's going on, right, a lot of times. Here's another reason why I wanted to come on the podcast.

Speaker 2: 18:57

There are so many misconceptions about pregnancy and postpartum. You see a lot of times. Here's another reason why I wanted to come on the podcast. There are so many misconceptions about pregnancy and postpartum. You see a lot of things on social media and I was not having a good pregnancy and you know this. I had really bad carpal tunnel Early on in the pregnancy, like first trimester.

Speaker 2: 19:11

I had a bout of different symptoms. Second trimester I was trying to figure out how is my body changing? What can I cannot do, like my back was hurting, but know that's not something that everyone can celebrate. I know that there's hardships when challenges with a lot of people, and I feel that. But I also think that you can have both that, where there's hardships and challenges, and then there's beauty and glow. And regardless of what your experience is and mine was pretty tough in 35 and ages should not be considered for pregnancy. You know, we talked about that like they were kept telling me you're high risk.

Speaker 2: 20:05

I'm like, ok, you know, I think that we need to normalize talking about how challenging the journey could be for any woman who is is carrying their child, is doing surrogacy, is doing IVF, is doing adoption, and not even a woman.

Speaker 2: 20:22

But, um, you know, even if it's like same sex couples, there's so many things that we don't talk about when you expand your family and also the idea that some people may not want to expand their family, and that was something that my husband and I talked about for a long time before making the choice to have children. So I bring this up because I think that we tend as a society, we tend to put a lot of like pregnancy is great, and then you get to postpartum and you're like, holy shit, this is really hard. My experiences has been a mix of emotions, a rollercoaster of like being beautiful and complex and nuanced, and I think we need to normalize it, like you don't have to wake up when you're pregnant body and be happy that you're pregnant all the time. What I, what the mantra that I was using was, stay focused at this time is temporary and um, take care of my body so I can take care of my baby.

Speaker 1: 21:20

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 21:21

Regardless of what was going on.

Speaker 1: 21:23

That's a really good mantra and absolutely like there are. Every day can look different, and just both in how you feel and how you look physically, and it's really challenging. I know that I. I feel like I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy, at least the first time and the second time I had, like I know someone recently called it like lightning crotch, where you just get really sharp pains in your vagina Like I couldn't turn fast, I couldn't get up from a chair fast, I couldn't walk fast, like there was just so many things that I was limited to do because it would cause me so much pain.

Speaker 1: 22:07

But I do agree that sometimes only the good moments are shown. I have seen some people share the not so happy moments of being pregnant. Some people share the not so happy moments of being pregnant. But I think that in any experience, honesty is key and I feel like if you're going to share all these shiny moments, it's only fair and especially if you're an influencer type or people look up to you for some sort of reason, then it's only fair to be fully honest, right? Not that you have to have all your business out there or you have to speak from you know the wound and just being in it in it. But at some point, like transparency is really important in these types of experiences, because there are these moments where you question yourself.

Speaker 1: 22:58

I know for me I had friends who were completely with their pregnancy from the start, completely in love with their baby from the start, and that was hard for me. I was disassociated from my pregnancy, especially the first one. I didn't believe it, I didn't want to be happy about it because, god forbid, something happened. I didn't want to be that disappointed and that's how I started to protect myself from that and it took a while for me.

Speaker 1: 23:28

Of course, I was like taking care of my baby and I felt a certain kind of love, but I feel like it took time to develop, to grow that connection, and I always feel even sometimes now, depending on what's happening that I'm not a good mom because I don't have the same feelings, at the same time or journey doesn't look similar to somebody else's, which can be really unfair. So when we share stories like this about having a hard time connecting with your pregnancy or with your baby, or the hardships of how you're feeling, it's those things of well, why are we talking about this part of it? I feel like sometimes you know you start to forget and then when somebody else mentions it you're like oh yeah, I had that too. But this vulnerability is important in our community, to know that there's not necessarily something wrong with us and it's something that other people have gone through as well and you can get through it right, especially if you have some sort of support, hopefully.

Speaker 2: 24:32

Right and I was going to, I think, one thing to mention that you just brought up um, the connection piece is interesting to me. I actually because I have Hashimoto's let's talk a little bit about, like the prenatal pregnancy, getting pregnant.

Speaker 1: 24:50

Yeah, I was going to ask you that I'm like, let's go back a little bit to see, because, especially because there's a lot of couples and I say couples because a lot of times infertility is pinned on women, when actually it takes the both of you, and there are so many men suffering from chronic illnesses too that play a big part in either getting a woman pregnant or a successful pregnancy. So it's not just about the woman, and I want to hear, for you to hear that clearly. Uh, because when and and I've had this experience with clients when they come to me and they're suffering from infertility and they're like, oh no, they said my husband was fine, although they did, they said this or that, when in reality his sperm quality matters a lot, and the same chronic illnesses that affect women and their infertility also affects men. So with that, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2: 25:49

I, and I think that's something that we don't see in social media. We don't. We don't like this is part of that pregnancy flow or like the challenges of pregnancy A lot of women put it on them which you can develop any type of mental health issue with getting pregnant or being pregnant even in advance of postpartum Right. So I think that I potentially may have had some mental health issues going on during my prenatal process, like during my pregnancy process, because it was really hard for me. Um, even though it was like undiagnosed I'm just saying this out loud Like I was, you know I was not having a great time. Part of that was like when I got pregnant, I was, we were thinking about doing egg freezing. That's what I was going in for was told like get off birth control. And then my husband and I had a conversation and we were like, well, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then okay. We didn't really have any connection to having a child or expanding our family because of my complications with my autoimmune and, for those listening, hashimoto's like one of the challenges with Hashimoto's is I could get pregnant but I have a higher risk of having a miscarriage because of my thyroid functionality and stuff like that. So when I did find out I was pregnant, I didn't really have a connection to my pregnancy because I was like I don't even know if this is viable, so I didn't really celebrate it, I didn't tell people. It was not until week 26 where I started showing actually and I was like, okay, well, I guess this is happening and it's already like I can't change it. Now everything's looking good, luckily, and I sort of had to, you know, embrace that and I embraced it really late and I feel like I lost some time in experiencing my pregnancy because of it, because I was so scared of, like, what could potentially happen. Luckily not, things did not happen Right. What was also surprising was a lot of doctors told me it's going to be hard for you to get pregnant because of Hashimoto's, so it'll probably take you a while and you've been on birth control for a while. I was on birth control for a while and I ended up getting pregnant right after I got off the pill.

Speaker 2: 27:58

Everyone's experience is different. I didn't even have a regular period and I think I don't know if this is true, because it's not. It's not evidence-based, it's not science-based, but I'll just talk from my experience, I did a lot of things working with you, exercising, eating really healthy. That helped me kind of know like what's the word? Like making sure my body, my health, was stable, sleeping well, drinking water, working out, doing the things I need to do to nourish my body and, um, even though, like a lot of medical professionals said, it was going to be hard, this was going to happen. You're 35, you know, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 2: 28:37

The things that I did helped me also, I think, make sure that my body was ready to be pregnant, and so even my thyroid level. We were just talking. I told you I got my blood test back, completely changed my diet before pregnancy, did not need any gluten, had allergies, did a blood test recently Cause I started eating gluten, had the pregnancy like delivered and everything. All of my thyroid levels have normalized. Part of that is like lifestyle change Right, and it took me a long time and then also letting go of stress and anxiety, which is definitely an issue for me. I bring that up to say like I needed to do a lot of inner work for me to get to the point of being pregnant, accepting my pregnancy, and then thinking about my reality from a health standpoint as well.

Speaker 1: 29:27

Yeah, absolutely so. I know you said a little bit about what helps you get pregnant right, right away or as fast as you did, because I know we had conversations where you're like I don't know what's going to happen. You were considering the egg freezing and all of a sudden I get this phone call and all of a sudden I get this phone call.

Speaker 2: 30:06

What changed I?

Speaker 1: 30:14

think what changed for me was not having any attachment to having it Like.

Speaker 2: 30:17

I was like you know what, if I have a child, great, if I don't, it's okay. Now I see my baby and I'm like, oh my gosh, I needed to have you because you're like the cutest thing in the whole world, so beautiful, um, and I actually, when I birthed my child and I saw the baby, I was like I couldn't believe that my body did that.

Speaker 2: 30:40

I was like oh my God, you have a little nose and you have these beautiful eyes and somehow my body made you. I'm not sure I mean science, scientifically, I know what happens, but like I just did not believe it. Um, but I went in.

Speaker 2: 30:56

I think what the major thing that changed was I didn't have any, I didn't add more pressure to myself and having it I never saw myself as a mother and it's interesting because a friend of mine told me that you have a dog, you are so motherly and my dog is sitting right next to me right now. We haven't had this office moment in a lot of in like a long time she hasn't been in the office, so she's really enjoying this experience right now. And my friend told me, like you have a dog, like you're so motherly with your dog, why wouldn't you feel like you're not going to be a good mom to human?

Speaker 1: 31:32

And I was just like I don't know.

Speaker 2: 31:33

I just never saw myself as a mom. And now I'm a mom and I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm a mom. But I never really saw myself as that. So when I, when I went through the process of getting pregnant, I didn't really have any connection to being pregnant.

Speaker 1: 31:49

Like.

Speaker 2: 31:49

I said it wasn't until week 26. And that was also the week, I think. A few weeks later I had my baby shower. So I was like, okay, I didn't even want the baby shower, so like I just had to, it was a lot I had learned. I feel like I've learned and grown a lot about the things I want and need right now.

Speaker 1: 32:11

Yeah, I think it's also a beautiful testament as how the body can heal Because I'll link our previous episode where Nadila shares more of her story on healing how the body can heal when you give it an opportunity, when you allow it and give it space to heal.

Speaker 1: 32:31

I think that there's so many people who might think that it's not possible for them, that they're going through the medical system and they're giving them a lot or different kinds of medication, and it's just a different experience when you approach your wellness in a holistic way, where you're really taking into account what's happening in your life and your lifestyle, what you're doing on a regular basis.

Speaker 1: 33:00

The body is always consistently fighting to go back into homeostasis, to go back into balance, and I think it's just a beautiful testament on seeing that happen, where you're coming from a place where you were not feeling well, you were struggling with a lot of health issues and again, I'll link the episode so you can hear her story from another podcast that we did and then everything just kind of like the wheels working again, like everything is well lubricated, everything is just like working the way it should, and then that helps in the process of whatever it is that you want to accomplish with your health. So, yeah, yeah, so that's a lot of what you did too, because you took that really seriously, you took your healing very seriously, you were trusting of it, you did the work and years later, because it has been I don't know what two years, you're still thriving, even through this experience where it's literally physically and mentally, spiritually life-changing right and I think I need to heal through this process oh yeah postpartum experience I so my.

Speaker 2: 34:19

One of the things that I was thinking about was, like when I was getting ready for delivery and the birth, I talked to a lot of women, asked them about their births. Particularly, I didn't want to have a, um, I wanted to have a. People call it natural birth, right, I wanted to have like pretty much no drugs and a lot of people were like girl, you crazy, like you got to think about the epidural and I was like I don't know. I had a lot of fear about taking the epidural because I have a lot of allergies now so I didn't know if I was going to be allergic to it. I didn't want to cause any more complications. I also knew that if I took more drugs the recovery would be harder for me.

Speaker 2: 35:05

So I had trained myself and we did this with my doula. We talked about pain management. I had trained myself, um, like prepped, to not take the drugs, right. So let's just talk about what happened in the delivery room and and I, when I talking to my friends who did have natural births, who didn't have any medic like medication, epidural One of my really good girlfriends had shared you got to surrender your body. You just have to like trust the process. You got to trust her and I kept telling myself during my birth and labor my body will take me where I need to be.

Speaker 1: 35:38

Um.

Speaker 2: 35:39

I kept like bringing up this mantra that my body will knows what to do, like bringing up this mantra that my body will knows what to do. I will instinctively know what to do. So, um, I birthed from home for two days. I so let's. I gave birth on November 27th, monday.

Speaker 2: 35:53

I, the Monday before two days before I woke up, I had Braxton Hicks on and off. I had had a doctor's appointment. They did um a non-stress test. They said, yeah, you're having contractions, but like we call it uterine, they they called it something else. They called it like, um, you're at an irritability. They couldn't say it was contractions. They couldn't say it was Braxton Hicks. They were like probably irritability. I was like, well, I kind of feel it, but okay. Um, they asked me if I wanted a cervical check, which is where you check to see if you're dilated. I said no. I said no because I learned education from my doula of why I should do it and why I shouldn't do it, and a lot of times a lot of women just say yes to everything. My biggest tip is have some education, knowledges of what you can decline, because you don't have to do everything, especially if it's going to be invasive for your body. I didn't want anyone touching me down there before delivery. So, um, I didn't know how many centimeters I was. I was dilated. That was Monday. Um, I was feeling uncomfortable on Monday but I like I wasn't a hundred percent sure what was actually going on called the doula, talked about it. But all my birth activities together did my exercises at home, birthing ball, cat and cow pose, yoga, like. My living room was like a yoga studio, had all the props. That was Monday. Tuesday, I also did not sleep and my husband did not sleep because I think he was kind of worried about me, but he was also being very supportive me, but he was also being very supportive.

Speaker 2: 37:29

Um, tuesday comes I'm still feeling not great. Um, I was feeling more contractions. We and to get. We wanted to get, I wanted to get out of the house a little bit. So we went out for lunch, um, get my mind off of things, had another doctor's appointment, declined the cervical check. They said if your water breaks, come to the hospital. That's it. That was all they said. So, tuesday night, my contractions are five minutes apart and we call our doula. We talked to her. My husband's like okay, I think it's time to go to the hospital. I'm like, yeah, I'm birthing from home. I'm in the shower and I'm putting you know.

Speaker 2: 37:59

One of the things I learned from my doula was like water is a great tool and it was really helping me focus throughout the pregnancy. Like anytime I felt sick, I hopped in the shower, felt better immediately. Hydrotherapy is great. And at that point, when I took my last shower before delivery, I was like, wow, this is intense. I'm like in the shower, like going through contractions and by myself just breathing through it, practicing my mantras, meditating, and I was like, how am I doing this? I'm not sure how I'm doing this. Get out of the shower, spend some time with my dog. It's like my last moment with her, just her, not with the baby, not with my husband, you know I'm just she. One of the things that Jula said was like you want to be somewhere where you're most comfortable with the things around you that make bring you most comfort, and she brought me comfort at that moment, and my husband snapped a picture of me that.

Speaker 2: 38:54

I posted and I was. I was, I looked like I looked amazing but like also not great, like I was breathing through everything. And at that point we decided we're going to go to the hospital. Get to the hospital. They checked my cervix I'm about four centimeters dilated and it's like 8 PM. By midnight I was like seven centimeters. So things are progressing pretty quickly.

Speaker 2: 39:20

And at that point I hadn't really taken drugs. I took something called Nubane to like kind of help with pain management, but that's just like an IV drip, a pill. It's very safe. You can take it before five centimeters. I took it because I need to sleep, because I need to be able to push, but I but at this point the contractions feel like intense pressure and the contractions were hitting my lower back. So like my back pain was getting really intense and I couldn't really get out of bed. I was just like out of it.

Speaker 2: 40:00

And my husband and I had a conversation and we said in our birth plan we only we we left our birth plan very minimal. We had like five things one, no men. The second thing was like free movement and like in the room like I can move through my labor, low medication unless necessary. It was a very simple birth plan. Um, and you know, he and I talked and he's like maybe you should take that Badura. I talked to the doula and I'm like all right, let's move forward with that Badura. Now I don't at this point, I didn't know anything about that Badura, really Like I did some research but I didn't do enough. So I call in the anesthesiologist. I asked them this is one thing I would recommend for any woman in labor, before your labor, even after to ask your providers what is actually going to happen to you. I was out of it but I still was like I need to know what's going into my body, what are the drugs, what are the steps, what's the consent? How are you touching me? Where are things going? What do I need to do? I think like the anesthesiologist was like annoyed about it, but I needed to know in order for me to feel safe keyword safe in this so got that epidural at seven centimeters to to take rest. That rest never really came. I was kind of anxious the whole time, um, and then within like two, maybe with, maybe within like two hours, maybe two and a half hours, I was dilated at 10 centimeters.

Speaker 2: 41:24

So baby was coming, um, what I think prepped me the most for my birth was all of the activity I did because I had tried to mitigate tearing, vaginal tearing, and, um, I had practiced birthing positions that would help mitigate it. And I talked about it with my pelvic floor therapist, with my doula, and the things I did to push were things that you normally don't see on TV or movies. I did cat cow position, I did side lying, I did this thing where you do tug of war, where you like bring your body up and crunch forward and push. I would not be able to do that if I didn't do Pilates every week or strength training. I just could not believe I was doing those things without feeling my waist and down. I asked my husband, like how was I able to get in cat cow position and move back and forth and push? And he was like I think your body just knew. You know, like I and my doula even said like she was, like we helped you to some extent to get into the positions, but for the most part you were doing all the work. I felt like my delivery was like a room full of cheerleaders. Every time I pushed, everyone was like yes, go, go, go, go, go. Does everyone have that in their birth? Does everyone get a cheerleader like I? For some reason the room felt very full, um, and ironically, everyone in the room was a woman of color, aside from my doula, so like the energy felt really safe, um.

Speaker 2: 42:56

The last part I'll share about my birth is why we moved to a C-section. So I pushed for two and a half hours. He, you know, baby was coming down, um, and the heart rate was going up and down. It was fluctuating. The doctor was concerned about that and it was to a point where we had been birthing for a while and it was just there's they were. They were concerned about pushing through the vaginal canal at that point and when that was going to happen, if they could use a vacuum suction you know there are other alternatives the only alternative that would be the safest was the C-section.

Speaker 2: 43:32

So I was rushed to the C-section without my husband, went in 30 minutes before him. He joined me 30 minutes into it. Baby was born not breathing, which I was out of it. So I didn't really actually it didn't. I didn't comprehend that. When that happened, um, luckily my husband was there. He was able to see everything go down. He was relieved that the baby was okay and I was moved to triage, you know, after a while and and things were settling down, I did have a panic attack after. I was like what just happened? I the all these medications like I didn't. I had not anticipated taking so many, so much, so much, so many drugs for the C-section. Um, and I think that's what really threw me off, because I was having a hard time catching my breath. Um, I bring this up to say a C-section. I didn't prepare for it, I didn't know a lot about it. I don't know what recovery is. I'm kind of figuring it out now.

Speaker 2: 44:27

But what I'm reminding myself is everything I know, everything I need to know. I already know. I need to find the power in unpacking that right now. And I texted my doula the other day. I was like my back is hurting, like what can I? What exercises can I do? And I know a lot of exercises at being a yoga teacher and like doing a lot of body movement, but I've been scared to use my body because I don't want to do anything to my stitches, I don't want to hurt myself. My stitches got swollen a few weeks ago. I didn't want to, I don't want to overdo it. And my doula wrote back and and she had said something really important. I like needed to hear it from someone, but I didn't know. I needed to hear it until she brought it up, um, but she said and I will tell you this you, yes, you are still recovering, but don't be afraid of your body.

Speaker 1: 45:21

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:22

And, like the C-section made me afraid of my body for weeks. I'm still afraid of it, I'm still in it, I'm still very raw, I'm still emotional about it. But I did all this prep and now I'm wondering, like, why am I so afraid of my body? She just carried a human child. I'm still processing that. But it reminds me of, like, all the wellness coaching we've done and what happens during birth and after birth, where you feel afraid of your own body.

Speaker 2: 45:56

Yeah, I'm trying to like, love it, give it a lot of love, and I'm still trying to figure out how. So that that's kind of my my birth story. Um, now in postpartum, also, like the feeding, figuring out nursing, pumping, things like that I've had to give myself grace I was nursing, I'm not nursing. Maybe I will be nursing again, I don't know. I just want my baby to have the best that they can to thrive and right now, like for me, I was doing triple feeding nursing, pumping and formula, and that's just a lot for me and my husband so I'm kind of like you know what.

Speaker 2: 46:36

I can have contact naps with my baby and feel connected to my child without doing the nursing. Maybe that's work that works best for me and I'll figure out the pumping. But what I think I've done in my postpartum journey is I haven't really given a lot of time for myself to recover Because I had to prioritize everything else. And now, at week six going into week six tomorrow I need to shift my mindset to focus strictly on my recovery so that I can be better for my family.

Speaker 1: 47:09

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Speaker 2: 47:10

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 47:11

Yeah, I'm really glad to hear you say that. I think it is. It is very different and we do need to find our way again. And it is scary to use your body, especially after having major, major major surgery. I also had two C-sections. The first one was unplanned, after 24 hours of labor and the second one was a planned C-section after the first one.

Speaker 1: 47:36

But the way I know you said something about how do you give yourself love and how do you take care of yourself. I think that, being on this side of things, it looks so vastly different from what we did before or what you did before, because I wasn't leading this lifestyle back when before I got pregnant or after, or whatever, but it just looks different and when it comes down to it being so basic, as in rest right, like lay down, sleep this is the best way for your body to recover is to sleep. That can be very underwhelming or not feel like enough, because before it was more or less a given Like. Of course you slept, of course the way you would take care of yourself was to go do weights and was to go do groceries and like cook a nice meal, but now it has reverted so much to the basics. Where showing yourself love is that sleep, because it is so valuable now, because it's so sparse, being awake at all hours in the night, not being in control of your own sleep, having to tend to somebody else so it just looks different and having to wrap our minds on what self-care or how do you show yourself love in this current season? It's like a little bit of a of a, of a growth, growing or what is it called, like growing curve, that that looks it, that is accepting that it will look different and what is it. So it's going back to this looping cycle of what is it this season? What does it look like this season?

Speaker 1: 49:31

And I feel you on being scared on using your body. After I had my second kid, I went to the gym after six months and I went up to the instructor and I was like, hey, I had a baby six months ago, I had a C-section. I'm going to try my best to follow along, but if you see that I cannot keep up and I'm not moving the same as everybody else, I was like, please don't push me. I'm doing, I'm just listening to my body and I'm going to do as much as I can as as long as I feel safe, and he was very respectful of that. So I eventually like now I use my body way more than I ever did, even before I had kids.

Speaker 1: 50:21

But it is this song and dance of learning about yourself again, knowing what your capacity is again, knowing your pain tolerance again, knowing how things feel again, because you are in this healing process that takes a while because of the surgery right, and everybody's healing timeline looks a little bit different. But it's this whole new level of listening to your body, because now, too, one thing is your own movement, but now I feel like it's in tandem of how you're feeling, based on your new responsibilities that might take energy to accomplish or to get done.

Speaker 2: 51:10

So now it's managing that as well.

Speaker 1: 51:12

Yes, absolutely a c-section is major abdominal surgery.

Speaker 2: 51:15

Yeah, yeah, I feel so like. I feel like I have a lack of education with even recognizing that, because we don't talk about how C-sections are serious.

Speaker 1: 51:25

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 51:26

And I didn't take it seriously. Like the first few weeks, like the first 15 days, I was like, yeah, I'll chill, like I'll be normal, I won't do anything. And then, by the way, my husband got COVID when we got home from the hospital. So like the first week of the birth of my child at home was like I was just out of it, like the whole house was out of it.

Speaker 2: 51:51

Um, we had other challenges going on. Um, the second week we were kind of getting, we were so tired from the first week we were trying to like get up to speed. The third week, which was like you know, the 15 days, um it was getting a little bit better, like every day feels a little bit better, right. But the C-section part was like it's so hard to accept that it happened because I was laying in bed and my baby was crying and my husband had COVID and I had to call him from quarantine to bring me the baby because I couldn't get out of bed, right. So like a reminder that a c-section is serious. I had no idea like I feel so blind for that, like it's just something like an experience I didn't understand before and now I do um.

Speaker 2: 52:43

I joined a postpartum group and we've been taught and we were talking about it today um, there's so many different C-section stories, so many and even vaginal deliveries could be risks.

Speaker 1: 52:54

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 52:55

Like you just don't know what's going to happen. Like birth is something. Like you don't know it until you're in it. You don't know how you feel about it until you're out of it.

Speaker 2: 53:03

And you don't even know how you feel about it years later because you're still, your body's still healing. Like it is going to take me a long time to recover from a C-section, as you know as a C-section mom as well. Um, I was told my stitches like won't be healed for 90 days. I was told, like you can't work out for four months. I don't know if that's the case. Maybe I signed up to do mommy and me um in a few weeks, so maybe we'll see what happens. I don't want to overdo it, but I also feel like, like you, you knew what you can do and you can't do, and I think that's what we need to normalize is speaking up, advocating for ourselves.

Speaker 1: 53:41

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 53:42

Protecting our boundaries and I don't think like enough. I don't think, as moms you know who are postpartum we speak up about our boundaries enough because people want to come over and say I want to see your baby or want to do X, y and Z for you. I think that we need to figure out how do we talk about our boundaries in a way that feels prioritizes us and doesn't penalize us.

Speaker 1: 54:08

Yeah, that's a good one and doesn't penalize us.

Speaker 2: 54:13

Yeah, that's a good one. You know like I want to be able to say what I want to say, without feeling judged about it yeah, and I feel like to.

Speaker 1: 54:19

What happens is that there's a lot of comparison, even between moms, like this was my experience or this is what happened to me, and expecting for the other person's experience to be similar or the same or have the same ability. And I think that a lot of the most hurtful things that I received, or you know things that would have me question myself, would come from other females who were moms. So I also want to just speak on that a little bit. Be like, please, be mindful of other people's experiences. There can be some similarities, but there might not be, and everybody's capacity is different, their resources are different, their support system looks different, so it's it's important to be mindful of that and a little bit more empathetic and just like more sisterly about it, instead of shameful of well, why aren't you doing this, I was able to do it sort of situation yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 2: 55:28

I also think like a lot of times as c-section moms. I've been in the podcast episodes I've been listening to in people's stories. Um, people feel this sense of failure when they have to do c-section. If it's not planned. There is no sense of failure for me. I feel like I had to do what I had to do for the health of my child.

Speaker 1: 55:51

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 55:52

And the safety of my child and the safety of me. Did I want to do it? No, did I have a choice? Probably not. Like no, I did not have another alternative. That was the way. There's only two ways out that way or the other way. And so, like I think what's hard in this field about pregnancy, postpartum and like the medical field is there's not a lot of support, like a lot of. I went to the pediatrician and they they screened me for postpartum, um, and for postpartum depression, and I came up on I don't know exactly where I fell in the ratings, but they asked me questions about it when I was there, like, are you seeing someone? Et cetera, et cetera, and um, I just felt like you know, sometimes the answer is not mental health professionals. That's not the resource that I might need. Sometimes the resource that I need is like, can I hire a night nurse to come to the house?

Speaker 1: 56:48

Can I have a doula come.

Speaker 2: 56:52

You know there's other options and a lot of times we turn to like therapy is like the number one option, but I want to express that there's so many. There could be resources for postpartum if we normalize what those resources are, if we talk about it instead of hiding from them. Right now I'm seeing a mental health professional. I'm keeping in touch with my doula when I can. I'm talking about how I'm feeling and not letting it sort of sit, and I'm also thinking about like I thought about what I need and I'm like I need like a nanny to come in twice a week to come and do things in my house for me. Maybe family's not the right thing. Maybe outsourcing it is better, because I feel a lack of no judgment when I outsource if you're paying someone.

Speaker 2: 57:38

Whereas, like if I had my mom come over. She'll be like why are you doing it this way? You know I don't need that anxiety and at the same time I need to think about like again, this goes back to finances. We talk about this in the last few episodes that we had together.

Speaker 1: 57:53

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 57:54

I want to use my money right now and I'm like convenience.

Speaker 1: 57:59

Yeah, that allows you to heal. It's just buying your time back, buying rest, you know, and that's an investment. I know. This is a conversation I had recently with with one of my coaches and she's like, are you really spending or are you investing in yourself so that you can be grounded and a sane human? And that really struck me Right. So she's like, as, as people of color or as immigrant families, like we're always taught, like, oh, you're spending money, you're spending money, and it might seem like with this negative connotation, and she's like, are you actually spending money or are you investing it?

Speaker 1: 58:40

What is the return on investment you're receiving from these things and how valuable is it for you?

Speaker 1: 58:46

And that is another conversation of, yeah, resources and how do we want to invest your money? And knowing what kind of no idea there was night nurses, like what, I had no clue until I started reading books on wealthy people and what they did and how they spent their money, and I was mind blown right, like, damn, there's people who are house managers Like I didn't even know. So it's that may be something of value to you to support you through a season. And yeah, we should talk more about those things, especially from people who probably have done it in our community. I do think that there are mindset shifts that need to happen when it comes to these kinds of conversation, because, at least for me, there's just a lot of mind drama that comes up or at least it did before on spending money in this way. And here I go, using that language, where it's like, oh, I'm spending money in this way, but is it really that, or is it an investment that's going to support me to get through this season?

Speaker 2: 59:54

Right and the investment piece is important. I also think there could be creative ways to figure out like solutions. Like some nannies, some people do meal trains. My sister wanted to do a meal train for me. I haven't set it up yet. People do meal trains. My sister wanted to do a meal train for me. I haven't set it up yet. There there are many different alternatives.

Speaker 2: 1:00:15

Um, I think one of my husband read a book about the postpartum process and it was like pregnancy and postpartum and one of the chapters he wanted me to like listen to was on breastfeeding and there's a lot of research that shows, like why breastfeeding is or is not, if it's going to make an impact or not, and one of the things in the research that shows, like why breastfeeding is or is not, if it's going to make an impact or not, and one of the things in the research that that he found from the book was that, um, the research that people have done for breastfeeding has really focused on high income moms, high income families, and they have resources, yeah, and so, like they can get a lactation specialist to come to their house, they can have a night net nanny they can have, they can do all the things that they need to do Time off work without financial implications?

Speaker 2: 1:00:58

Yeah, Like all the things you need to do for lactation. You can hire a chef to come and cook you all the things you need, right, and so, like it was just a reflection for me to think about like what, what do I need? How like, what do I need? How like, what do I need to let go of? Like I don't need to always I don't need to do breastfeeding if I don't, if it's not working or if it's not something that I can like handle in my schedule or something that feels right for me, without judgment and letting, letting that go. So I think there's a process on figuring out what's going to work for you and I think a lot of times in this journey of motherhood if you're a new mom, or even a second time or third time, et cetera, mom, you compare yourselves to people.

Speaker 2: 1:01:38

And my sister recently told me don't compare yourself, because this journey is so individualized 100%.

Speaker 2: 1:01:47

And I had to remind myself, like right, like we're not in competition, that's the other thing. Like on reddit, all these breastfeeding threads, like all the other parenting threads, are like so welcoming and positive, but when it comes to breastfeeding, people have a lot to say about it. So you know, like, if we want to be people, what are the best ways we can support each other, with moms, with getting through this time? Not to mention, we didn't talk about anything about like the partner. Right, I'm married, I have a partner who has the time off to help me, things like that.

Speaker 2: 1:02:25

A lot of times we don't talk about like what's the spousal support in this? Because they can also have their own situations, their own things that come up with postpartum, like right now, my husband's doing all eight feeds, he's up all the time, he's literally trying to do everything he can to sustain the baby, him, our dog, me and I think a lot of times we don't talk about like what that partner support is. Or if, let's say, if you're a mom, single by choice, and you decide to have a child without any support, what does that look like? So a lot of things in this sort of like space right now for pregnancy, postpartum, getting pregnant I think we haven't normalized and talked about, but I hope today's conversation helps people understand like there's possibilities, there's resources and my number one tip is like create a team to get you through it, because there's only one way out and there's only one way in. So I'm just trying to figure out how do I navigate the through.

Speaker 1: 1:03:25

Yeah, I was going to ask you if you had one tip or one piece of advice and, with wrapping it up with the investments and all that, I would recommend to just there are a lot of resources now. I know when I was pregnant and getting pregnant like social media wasn't as big now, even if it was eight years ago, and I don't feel like there was this kind of sharing of information and there might be so many resources out there. I don't know. If you know, please let me know and I'll put it in the show notes, but it's just something that's not really relevant to me at the moment. So I haven't been searching.

Speaker 1: 1:04:05

But I'm happy to point you in the direction of people who I know would know. You're one of them, and I know of a few others who are in this space of supporting moms, new moms, pregnancy and all that. So I'm happy to connect you with those support systems. If it's something that you need and you're looking for and if you are one of those people who support in pregnancy, postpartum nursing, any of that, then please let me know and I can add your information as a resource as well so that people can look you up and connect with you. But thank you so much, nadila, for sharing your story, being so open and vulnerable once again with our community community and creating space for these kinds of conversations that are much needed from this perspective but are often hard to find. So if people want to connect with you, if you're open to that I'm not sure please let us know and I can share. You can share that with us, yes.

Speaker 2: 1:05:10

Yes, folks can find me on Instagram. Naomi can link that. The other thing I wanted to mention, that one piece of advice. Before even you think about hiring a team, my one piece of advice that I'm working on right now is pouring into myself, like loving who I am in this moment, making sure I have positive body affirmations, making sure that, like, the thing that gets me through this period will be loving myself for getting myself through this.

Speaker 1: 1:05:43

Because loving what.

Speaker 2: 1:05:46

Loving myself to get me through this.

Speaker 1: 1:05:48

Oh gotcha.

Speaker 2: 1:05:49

We had talked about this, naomi, I think, in episode one we did together. The only person that could validate you is yourself, and I think I need I've been coming back to that for this journey, because the only person that needs to validate me through this journey is me, because if I'm my worst enemy, then I'm not going to heal Right. So I'm. That's my number one advice. I'm still learning through it, but I'm like remind, reminding myself like I have done an incredible job. If I'm not having a good day, it's fine, but remind me like things are actually.

Speaker 2: 1:06:23

I'm like getting through it. So for anyone going through this period in their life, that's what I would mention to them yeah, and this too shall pass.

Speaker 1: 1:06:31

It is an intense season to be in no doubt, and it also passes, as with every other season.

Speaker 1: 1:06:41

So I just want to mention that, because sometimes it feels like it would be never ending or it's going to take so long or you know it's going to be a while, but it does actually pass, as someone who's been like eight and a half years out, right, and you still get to share these moments, but you will find your way, whatever that is and it is something that I wish I knew, especially in my first experience when I became a mom was it was this to love myself through it, because it was going to pass and I was going to find my way, but I was, it was. I was. I don't know how I was feeling. I would have to sit here and think about it, and that can be another episode for another day, but I'll. I'll say I wish I was nicer to myself, and I think I've spoken about this in in some form or another. I wish I was nicer to myself. It is worth being nice to yourself yes in this process and in this journey.

Speaker 1: 1:07:46

So, yeah, we'll leave it at that. Thank you, nadila. Thank you for coming on.

Speaker 2: 1:07:52

I wish you the best of luck in this new journey thank you, we'll see how it goes for the next 18 years. Well, jk, jk, but um, I'm so happy to be a mom and have my baby and have my little family. They're so. They're just so beautiful. When I find it to be hard, I remind myself like there's so much light with them. Yeah, absolutely Thank you so much for having me. And if you have any questions?

Speaker 1: 1:08:22

That's right Bye.